Introduction
There are several things that I'd like to do with my life. Journey through the great wall of China, skydive, fly a jet, shoot a great beast, teach my children how to fight back, have the greatest life with my wife and take her out as often as I can. Lots of things come to mind when I ask myself, "What do I want my life to amount to?". But when I start to weed out the fantasies, the impossible, or the just-plain-stupids, I have resolved to these: to be a good husband and father, to be a pastor to others, to develop my skills in speaking, teaching, and writing--which is why I'm writing this essay--and most importantly, to be found in the end to be a faithful follower of Christ because of these things, so that on the last day I will hear him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," to say a few…
What does it take in order to be a good husband and father? Provide food, shelter, clothing, etc.?
To be a good husband and father
Sure, those are the basics, but the truth is there is so much more that men are responsible for. To be a good husband is to love unconditionally, to sacrifice selflessly, and to show affection as often as possible.
My father defines love as "a commitment". Now if you're a Christian reading this, you'll recognize that God's love to us is one-hundred percent faithful. He has never failed us, and he never will. That's love. That's true and real love at one hundred percent. The truth is that men fail to love their wives, and children, and anybody else they commit to loving. It is impossible to love on the level that God does because we are not God... simply put. But it is the man's responsibility to recognize that his love must take steps to reflect that of his Heavenly Father. His love must be sacrificial.
Part of loving others is making sacrifices of yourself: your time, your resources, your energy, mental, physical and emotional. Sacrificing means putting others first before yourself. If you put yourself first, you're not loving your family well, and that is being a poor husband and father. What does true sacrifice look like? We all want to be the hero father who takes down the giant like David, or who throws themselves in front of a moving car in order to push the child out of the way, getting struck ourselves and dying. But the truth is most men don't get into situations like that. Most men don't have to lay their lives down to death.
Most men have to lay themselves down to life, all the while living, breathing, and surviving the sacrificial process. What sacrifice looks like to these men is actually microscopic in comparison to what they think about. There is an image I've seen, a statue of a father and his child made out of porcelain. The adult figure had circular holes in him from head to toe. He is holding hands with the child, who is made out of the fillings of these holes, clearly given to him from his father.
That's sacrifice. Taking a bit of yourself every day and giving it to someone you love in that moment, being able to do it again the next day if necessary. Sacrifice isn't a one-time stop for each relationship you have. Sacrifice is especially moment-by-moment in marriage and fatherhood. Sacrifice must be given to your wife in order to fulfill your role as a husband, but also a father.
Once you master those, your life will be easy, haha. But I do think that one problem is that there are fathers, who are good fathers, but who simply do not communicate with their children on the level that they need the most. Affection is vital. Without affection there's no warmth, touch, pleasure, and kindness. People were designed to touch things; our skin is one giant organ made to feel! When fathers neglect to "love on" their kids, to hug them, to hold them, to throw them up into the air (and hopefully catch them), they neglect a physical-emotional relationship with them. It's also important to wrestle your boys into submission so that you can practice your dominance of strength over them (for the little time that you can).
Affection is simple, it doesn't have to be planned out, but purposeful. I imagine there will be kiddos who do not want to be touched, or who don't prefer affection over words of affirmation. But in the little that I have experienced, those children are usually either severely mentally damaged or have been brutally and disgustingly physically abused. Most kids want held, hugged, and high-fived. Be a good father and hug your children when you see them. Tell them that you love them when you do. They should know they can run into your arms at any point in their lives and be scooped up by someone who loves them more than anyone else. If you are married with children, this is your highest calling on earth. Do it well.
To be a good pastor
Another area of life I want to develop in is to be a good pastor. I think that being a pastor is primarily seen as speaking on stage Sunday morning and teaching from Scripture what they have spent time on in writing (but the congregation probably doesn't consider all of his prep-time). This is partly true in that these are his primary roles on Sunday, but a few things that make a good pastor are his skill in listening to (as I've learned from Jordan Peterson is a general good trait), empathizing with, and praying for others.
I've heard it said, don't listen to respond, listen to understand. I have not gotten anywhere near close to mastering this, but I have learned that when I spend my mental energy processing what the other person has said--temporarily setting aside what I'd like to say in response--I practice caring for the other person in the moment. This helps me not only hear and understand them, but also allows for me to more deeply consider my response in light of their thoughts. This closely relates to empathy, so there will probably be some overlap here.
When I was in marital counseling with my mentor, my wife and I learned quickly that we didn't know how to listen to each other very well. A huge, glaring part of this was my fault. I had no idea that I was a rambler in conversation (as you have probably noticed in this essay). I had to learn to refine the thoughts that I wanted to convey to her. If I spent up all of our conversation time talking about ten different topics, I would drown her in my speech, and she would have no understanding or strength left to try to understand or respond! I had to learn to set certain topics aside in order to explain one thought at a time as concisely as I could.
An exercise that our counselor had us do was to start a conversation with each other, only everything that we said, the other would be expected to repeat back what they heard and understood in their own words. Then, upon hearing, and repeating, we would answer accordingly. After a few rounds of that, and when we stopped laughing at how silly we both sounded repeating each other, something clicked! We learned that in order for us to properly understand each other we first had to listen and think about what the other person had said and put it into our own words.
It's easy to learn to listen, it's hard to learn to care. Empathizing is making an attempt to put yourself in their shoes and experience the feelings and thoughts that one would have in said situation. The goal is to just be with them in the situation where they are and try to relate to them. Being able to pull memories from your own past is helpful, and often hurtful, but that is part of empathizing. Empathizing isn't about conversation, it's about imagining yourself in that situation, and going through that process with them. For some this may be emoting outwardly, for others it may be thinking through feelings and working them out. Empathizing is not to be confused with sympathizing.
Sympathizing is the band-aid of conversation. Sympathizing is an attempt to help the hurt by essentially telling them to get over it, Sympathy says, there, there, you'll be okay. I've been through this before, and when I did, blah blah blah. Sympathy ignores the emotional process of others and hopes to move them from point A to point B quickly. Empathy eventually turns to sympathy after it has earned the right through relating emotionally.
As a Christian, it is fundamental to move from empathy to prayer. Prayer should be a staple of all Christians, but pastors should be expected to be in continual prayer and a much higher example. Prayer is important because Christians are commanded to pray (Jesus teaches us how to pray, Peter teaches us to give our worries to God and understand he cares for us). Prayer is a powerful thing (James), and it shouldn't be used lightly, but it shouldn't be taken too seriously either. There are times when you have more serious prayer: God, bless my friend who has lost his wife in a car accident, or God, I'm struggling to be faithful to my wife right now, please give me strength! There are also softer times of prayer, maybe with a stranger you meet at the coffee shop who agrees to pray with you. You might pray, "Father, I ask that you please introduce yourself to Mr. Smith, and that he could get to know you better. I pray that his day goes well, and that his walk back home is blessed. In Jesus' name, amen."
Prayer is a powerful thing, but we need to understand that prayer can also make people uncomfortable. When we listen, and empathize with people, they will be more willing to allow you to pray with them.
To develop skill in speaking, teaching, and writing
To develop in these skills goes right along with my desire to be a pastor. Pastors need to be good speakers, teachers, and hopefully writers. Pastors need to be good speakers in order to be able to properly convey the message of Scripture to a large group, a small group, or an individual. Speaking is important to the pastor because how else can he communicate to a bunch of people who gather on a Sunday to listen to a pastor speak?! It is also important to learn when to speak. Much like listening, speaking must also be a tool that is practiced by the pastor. The pastor isn't perfect, but the pastor will be seen as a direct mouthpiece from God himself. This is a great responsibility, and an awful curse.
Good teaching necessitates good understanding. If you don't understand, you can't teach properly. This is more so true for complex things than it is simple things. There's not much to understand about two plus two equals two (at least not on a conversational level that isn't about math theory). Good pastors have a responsibility to not only teach well, but to learn well. If learning is the foundation of good teaching, then the pastor must be a life-long learning in order to be a teacher for as long as he is given the time.
Writing, as I have learned from Peterson's essay in this App, is important for gaining intelligence, being able to communicate clearly, personal thinking, and for the pastor, thinking through his message in order to make sure that it is ready for the congregation.
Conclusion
My primary goal here was to practice writing, but as I've finished this essay, I have found a hidden goal: to refocus my day, moment by moment. It's like forgiveness. You can't just say I forgive you like magic words and expect to not be angry again. You have to work at it, you have to practice your trade, your skill with the tools. God is not a genie in a lamp. The results are not instant. They are moment by moment. Such is life.